I use parentheses far too often.

I have a morbid fascination with advice columns. I read several Dear Abby-style columns on a regular basis. My fascination is probably along the lines of why I became a therapist in the first place, but I digress. I saw the question below in yesterday's Ask Amy column:

Dear Amy: How do I tactfully agree with someone when she complains about being overweight?

I have a friend who had lost a lot of weight before I ever met her, but she is still probably a good 50 pounds overweight. She used to work out but now can't find the time.

My problem is that sometimes she makes comments about how she is fat.

It's the kind of comment that someone would normally respond with, "You're crazy! You are not fat!" but I can't say that because it would obviously be a lie.

What should I say to this?

Friend of a Fat Friend

Probably half a dozen people who know me could have written that question. Well, not exactly (50 lbs would be a bit much. I'm a really short person), but something similar. The answer in the column is fine, but I think it lacks something. There are two kinds of people why say they're fat. Ones who actually are, and ones who aren't. I don't speak for the ones who aren't, that's a whole other issue. Ones who are however- they're not usually looking to be lied to. I don't think any of them want you to say what the writer above thinks. It's a defense mechanism: "I'm going to point out the obvious before you, because if I say it, you can't hurt me." It's the subconscious subtext.

All overweight people are overweight because they consume more calories than they expend, but people get there for all sorts of different reasons. In the American culture, there's a stigma that people who are overweight are immoral people (gluttony being one of the seven deadly sins) who have no control over themselves. It may be true that they are out of control; it may be true that they were once out of control. They may have also been "overweight" as infants and had no control over the beginnings of the problem. They may have been abused (physically, sexually, emotionally), they may have been teased, they may be uneducated about food, they may be a lot of different things. They may have a lot in their lives that they feel really embarrassed and ashamed about, and because they're fat, people sometimes feel entitled to make judgements about them. When they say they're fat, they probably not looking for you tell them otherwise, but they're probably not looking for you to tell them to lose weight. It's not your moral duty to make people feel even more badly about themselves. Someone who's saying they're fat (unless perhaps they're a fat activist) probably already feels badly enough about themselves.

I can't speak for everyone of course; there are people with issues who are looking for you to say, yes, you are fat. Most don't really want to hear that either- like I said, it's a defense mechanism. It gives the person saying it a false sense of control that no one else can hurt them if they bring up the while elephant in the room first, so to speak.

What can you do? Like the answer in the column, you want to gauge your response by what you're getting back- if they're in total self defeatist mode, changing the subject might be a very good idea, for the time being. Saying, "yeah, you could stand to lose 50 lbs," may be gutsy and "feel real," but probably won't be all that helpful in the moment. Offering to be a gym buddy or to go for a daily walk with them might be a better response.

But you know what I think people are looking for? (I'm totally projecting here). I think people just want to hear that they're still good and worthwhile people. That thin doesn't always equal attractive and fat doesn't necessarily equal unattractive. That you like being their friend for the person they are, not for what they do or don't look like. Now this might be a little different for someone who is a staunch fat activist, but for someone who's not, they're probably looking for a little reassurance. If it's not in you to give that, change the subject, but don't kick people while they're down. Someone who is saying that is probably coming for a place of insecurity, in the context mentioned above. (Someone who is saying, "hey, I'm fat and I want to make some changes," is a different story, of course). Remember that morality thing I mentioned above? I think there's also something in religious sayings about "Judge not, lest ye be judged." We all have our issues. Some just aren't as obvious as others.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog.